you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
