Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
