His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
