Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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