I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
The power of my boobs compel you
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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