Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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