just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
We have so much sex to catch up on
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
