i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
