She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
