Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
