Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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