I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize