Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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