im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
We left the knife in your bed.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
