I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
