So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
