Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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