Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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