i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Randomize
