I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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