Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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