did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i just sent this text using only my big toe
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize