Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I'm really busy with my period
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