then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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