i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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