I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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