Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
My pussy is not your playground.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
