I just saw a hot homeless man
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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