The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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