I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
