i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
smell my finger.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
