Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
