I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
