i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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