Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
