so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Blood and glitter go together right?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
