seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
