farters have to be the big spoon...
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
