Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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