its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
