Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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