Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
