omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
