My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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