at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
