Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
