he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
