even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
When are your genitals available?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
