His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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