Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
