Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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