His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
