I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize