New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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