In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Never underestimate the power of titties
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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