the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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