how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
