I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
