Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
birth control should be required to get into college
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
